Never Gonna Be Alone

So I am not a Nickelback fan, their music is just not really my thing, but they have a song that if it weren't for the video I wouldn't even give it a second glance. We recently gave up cable because we just weren't watching television all that much and Luke has been getting DVDs from the library and watching them more than anything. However, a few weeks ago before we cancelled the luxury of HGTV and Comedy Central there were mornings where John would turn the channel to MTV or VH1 to get me out of bed. Normally it was some annoying rap or rock song that had my ears bleeding as I straggled about, not ready to face the immediate needs of everyone else. This certain morning though his little trick had us both just laying there, curious to find out who the man was in the video and by the end we were both in tears.

Tears for each other. Tears for the hope that Luke and Ellie never feel the loss that we feel. Tears for what would have been.

I want the two of us to be the ones standing behind our children for every milestone for at least the next 50 years. Please God make that happen.

Gentle woman, quiet light

Forty years ago today, February 27, my parents were married at St. Mary's church in Hudson Falls. It apparently snowed heavily that day, just like today, and there is a story about my father's mother, my Grandma Center slipping and falling under the car as she went to get in. The talk of their wedding day was always met with laughter and looking at the pictures it seemed to be a roaring good time had by everyone.

This morning at 5:10am my other grandmother, my Grandma LaSarso passed away. She was 90 years old and fittingly enough was carried out of her house in the early dawn of a raging blizzard. My brother and I went to see her last night, we kissed her forehead and held her swollen hand. I said a Hail Mary silently to myself as I noticed the rosary in her other hand. She breathed so hard, she never woke up, but I think she knew we were standing by. I am so relieved to know that she has been released from the grip of illness and old age that has had hold of her for more than a year. What brought me to tears though, is the unconditional love and loyalty that my mother and uncle showed to her all along. She had wishes and demands and they made sure to keep them, to do so as best they could so that she could live out her remaining time as she hoped to. They have worked themselves into the ground to do what they knew to be the right thing. The character that they have shown is something that I can only hope to carry with me. I grew up with the sentiment that you always do the right thing even if it means taking the more difficult path. I am so proud of my family for the effort they extend and the faith they hold onto.

My grandmother was a German immigrant. She came here on a boat when she was 9 years old, landing in Albany before moving up to Hudson Falls. As a little girl I was fascinated by the stories she told of arriving in New York City and how when her mother saw the tenements of Albany she said: "Das is America?" Her father was an engineer and tried to patent the iron and coffee maker, but unfortunately they already had been done. She married my grandfather, Veto LaSarso, an Italian from Fort Edward. She raised her brother's son along with her own two children and became the consummate homemaker until later in life when she drove a bus for handicapped children. I spent a lot of time with her growing up, taking walks and making clothes for my dolls. I danced with her at my wedding in place of my father and I am grateful that she was here to hold my babies. As we celebrate her ninety years of life I will take with me the history that she brought to our family, the faith that she held so dear and the strength of a tough German woman who wouldn't let anything stop her strong willed spirit.

This weekend however, is not just my parent's anniversary, but tomorrow is my uncle's birthday as well as my grandfather's. And then Tuesday, March 2 marks seven years since the sudden death of my father. I can only imagine the reunion that is happening right now.

Gentle woman, quiet light, morning star
so strong and bright,
gentle mother peaceful dove
teach us wisdom; teach us love

It Happens

Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up, telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song
Rolled in late about an hour
no cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it's poor me, why me, oh me, boring
The same old worn out, blah, blah story
There's no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over-think it
Let go, laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is
It happens

Alright so I know I can't say "I'm back" by posting a few song lyrics and thinking that will pass muster. It won't. Life has happened, sick kids, work, home, married life, family time, facebook (seriously, that is sad but true), the holidays. It's just happened. No excuse makes sense, so I'm owning it. It's torn me away from slowing down, for relishing sweet moments and precious time. Memories that are burned in my brain sure to be figments down the road of "remember whens" and "did we ever..." will remain there unless I take that step back and for my kids and my family it's time to do so.

I've laid in bed compiling perfect posts in my head of how Ellie blows us kisses goodnight, and how Luke tells me that cargo planes carry cars. I mean really, what else would they carry? Sea planes carry water and jet planes, well they carry fast cars. You can't make this stuff up.

So as I rush and run from home to sitter, to work back to the sitter and back home I am thankful that all that rushing is within less than a square mile. That I get to do what I love here in this town and that what I do makes a difference, even if it's only through the publics subconscious. We have one car and it works, we live within our means and our means justify all that we make it. 2009 was not without bumps, it was a hard year of transition on many levels but through all of that transition has come growth.

And so tonight as I drove home from Saratoga with a new hair cut, a new attitude, and fresh perspectives I sang this out loud. It felt good and in that moment I forgave myself for the months of guilt I carried by not telling Luke and Ellie's stories.

Let go laughing!

edited to add that the "bossman screaming" in my lyric version is Luke and Ellie collectively, not the other boss. Just sayin'.

Two plus Two

Nearly a year ago we were here:



Now we are perfectly here:

Lukeipedia

I don't want to forget his vocabulary as it currently exists. Oh little man, do you make our days shine with your witty words and smiley squinty eyes.

He has trouble with oo sounds..he calls himself Luck

His sippy cup is a bobby and sometimes when he's feeling particularly happy it is referred to as a bobby bob-oh

Pillow is a billpoh

Chips are pips

His blankies are bankies

The playground he lovingly calls The Wagon

A wagon is just that, a wagon

Fire trucks are gah-gung-gungs. We don't get it either. They are also called E-O's. Like the sound they make

He can perfectly say eyebrow

Love is another good one

Cold can be easily translated to colden. Ending words with "en" is popular as drawing is often referred to as drawden and water can sometimes be heard wateren.

Fish is pretty straightforward

cado is short for avacado

juice and melk are easy

orge for curious george

Poop is pup

when asked what you get the grocery store he replies Appies (for apples) and Bnanas or ninas

I know there are more but these are high on the list of awesome Luke-speak

Cattails in the fall

We took a family walk this week along the bike trail. The trees are turning, leaves are beginning to fall and the cattails, oh those cattails are blooming. The sight of them to the right of me with my family strolling in front of me brought me back to 1984, the muddy grounds of the Warren County airport underfoot, holding onto my mother's hand as we maneuvered the landscape in search of the perfect spot to watch the hot air balloons rise around us. The cattails were blooming then too and as we walked I remember her telling me an intricate tale about cats (I was obsessed with all things kitten) and that maybe, just maybe we could snip one of those cattails to take home. Later that morning the four of us sipped hot cocoa at a diner and in my 8 year old mind life was simply perfect.

For most of my childhood I believed that every kid lived in a two story home with a mom, a dad and a sibling. I also assumed every kid had two sets of grandparents, both of them quite different, but both equally loving. I thought every mom scoped out the clouds to find pictures in the sky, could draw like a real artist (this came in handy for book reports) and knew how to make a killer cake. All dads were strong military men, intensely honest and community oriented, but were also soft as teddy bears. Naive I know, this ideal world I lived in.

The balloons will be flying high all about us this week with the cattails blowing in the breeze and picturesque story filled clouds overhead. I hope Luke and Ellie remember these purely ideal moments of what it is to be a family. The simple hand-holding and discovery. The sharing of a warm drink on a cool morning complete with muddy boots and an afternoon nap. Sweet perfection.

September 14, 2001 to September 3, 2009

The date was Friday, September 14, 2001. I found myself in Manhattan's Union Square amidst a sea of protesters and peace-loving folk as fighter jets flew overhead and smoke still smoldered to the south. I was torn. Longing to be part of something during this scary time, missing my family and the comfort and security of a small town I clung to whatever it was I could. However at this moment, three days afterward, I just wasn't ready for peace. If I had lost someone that day I really wouldn't have been ready for forgiveness. In those moments I tried, under that crisp, clear, beautiful blue sky I stood there and cried, I was speechless. The world was spinning, but I was standing still. I watched the protesters in slow motion chanting and waving their signs as I looked down Broadway to Ground Zero. As the daughter of a Naval Master Chief and the sister of a fireman, my heart was with the military, the firemen, their families and the grieving. It all seemed like a twisted movie.

My office building was a shrine to the missing. Armed guards stood on both ends of our block as our building was attached to the Lexington Street Armory where they were sending family members of the missing. Candles and notes, pictures and teddy bears, flowers and poems were taped up covering a huge portion of the building. It was eerily sad to see those faces looking at you everyday and to read the handwritten notes.

My mom was the first person I called when it happened. The relief in her voice was one I hope to never have to experience as a mother. My father told me that night that he was going to drive down and bring me home but I refused. The next day he and I had a long phone conversation about faith, hope and love and I remember both of us crying. We cried so hard we made each other laugh.

I've lost touch with some of the people whom took me under their wing that fateful day. My mom called to thank them which I remember being embarrassed by, but I get it now. Misunderstandings seemed so trivial then and easier to get through, but I guess time marches on now.

I remember looking out the kitchen window of my apartment which looked into the living room of an apartment across the way where I saw a family huddled together playing Scrabble. It was incredibly heartwarming but it also left me in with a heavy heart for that is what I longed for in those moments.

That weekend, just as I had ventured to the peace demonstration with my roommate she ventured to Catholic church with me that Sunday. I needed a dose of normalcy, of some routine that felt comfortable while to her it was I'm sure more of an experience. The closing song was God Bless America, as I sang the tears came once again, my voice barely able to crack a note as my throat was in one big knotty lump.

Yesterday I had to run a few errands for work and as I walked to the car I heard God Bless America played through the church bells. The sky was as blue and beautiful as that Tuesday. The bells stopped me in my tracks, transporting me back to those moments. I looked around at my city, at what I've been able to contribute, at the car with our two car seats in the back and I smiled. I am so lucky to be here, to have this life, and my God am I blessed.

Those dark days will never leave my memory but I have come through it all to realize those dreams and to create the life I longed for.

Ironically as I drove through my beloved and longed for East End of Glens Falls I heard this song and the tears, they came again. I will never forget, I will always remember and honor those days.

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did you stand there in shock at the site of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did you shout out in anger
In fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry

Did you weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below

Did you burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself to what really matters

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone
Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her
Did you dust off that bible at home
Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy you a gun
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give your own blood
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love

The greatest is love
The greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day