38 minutes

We were standing amongst 50 or so people, most of them in running gear, athletic and fit, smiling at the sunshine and getting amped up as U2's It's a Beautiful Day pulsed through the air. I knew more than half of the faces, some of them veteran St. Mary's families, and some of them through Luke's pre-school class. I offered to go get our race numbers and get us registered while John stayed with the kids. As I walked down the stairs to the flurry of activity the tears started to well up in my eyes.

I am here. I am about to run a 5K. Me. I have always and forever hated running. Hated it. It is not fun to me. But I want to love it.

My dad used to jog all the time. He called me his "pacer", I'd ride my bike along side him during his jogging route, which coincidentally was pretty much the route of this race. He had bad knees and I don't think jogging was really his thing, but he was in the military and it was part of the deal so he stuck with it.

I brushed off the tears long enough to get our numbers, we registered soon after hearing they were doing a 5K, so our race numbers were 2 and 3. I grabbed our bags and headed back outside to John where I choked up again. He kissed me and said, "just do your best, don't worry if you walk part of it, the idea is that you're here."

And then we were off.

John kept pace with the front group of runners, I was with him for all of 3 minutes before my pace clearly was slower. We ran entirely through my families stomping grounds, past the street I grew up on, along the bike trail that was once a railroad where my neighborhood friends and I would leave pennies for the trains to flatten (kids, do not do this please!). I let the sun shine on my face as my thighs burned and my shins felt as if they were being stabbed by some evil monster. I walked, I ran, I walked, I jogged, I walked. I joked at the water table that this was so much harder than the treadmill.

My mom watched as I ran past our street again, she cheered as I thanked her and told her I was going to die. I walked. I jogged. No one was in front of me and I was afraid to see if or who was behind me. I was 4 streets away when I passed the neighborhood watering hole complete with an outdoor band who cheered me on, "go, go, go, go!" I kept running. Smiling through the fear of wanting to throw up.

I rounded the corner of Church Street and was greeted with clapping and cheering as I saw my family on the sidelines. John was smiling so big and as I passed him I heard him say, "you did it! Yeah!" And then I heard "here's Amy Stevens with a time of..." as ran through the finish line.

Amazing.

Ellie wanted me to hold her immediately as I tried to catch my breath and Luke said, "hey, mama, where you been?" All I could do was laugh and kiss his honest to goodness sweet little face.

The finish line has created an addiction. I can't wait for the next race, the next runners high, the next best time.

And I would like to congratulate my husband for finishing with a time of 26 minutes. Sweet awesomeness.

Mother's Day

So I ran my first 5K and it was incredible but before I get to that I need to backtrack and write about Mother's Day because it's overdue, past-date, and necessary.

My mom is due for her time in the sun here in my little blogosphere, she's lived for a long time in the shadow of my father's death. I admit this is unfair and I feel guilty for not writing this out appropriately and timely, on Mother's Day.

We have lived a bit of a tumultuous relationship, the push and pull of mother/daughter has always been a part of us and my father was the anchor that found the middle-ground (see, I snuck him in here already!). He would tell me, "be nice to your mother" and in turn to her would say, "Hey Mar, let her be" when the two of us would hit a rough patch. Without him it's been a little unsettling in many ways. I still hear him whispering in my ear. In the end though, she is my mom. My mother. She knows immediately when something is wrong, she knows my voice, my tone. She loves my kids as if they actually are her own and they love her back.

I want nothing more than for her to be happy in life. To find her way, her self, her normal. I thank God nearly every day for the total unconditional love that I was raised with. It is in a way an out of body experience when I hear myself talking to my kids as she talked to me, her sayings and mannerisms. I am her in many ways.

The future that I pictured for myself (marriage, kids, full sets of grandparents to visit and love on, the ideal situation) has been likened to an unfinished painting that has been restretched and repainted. The future will never be the past, but the reality is that time is ticking and there isn't enough of it to waste.

I will pick my mom up tomorrow morning at 6:15 and take her with me to strength training class. I won't be all that awake to conversate and such but she knows that and nothing is expected. Thank you mom for loving me through thick and thin, from Pennsylvania to New York and back, through weddings and funerals and the birth of babies. You are loved, you are cherished and your Sponge Bob Squarepants eating grandson thinks you hung the moon.

Easter

We once again broke bread with our neighbors, family and beloved friends.

We wrestled Uncle Tom.

We went to church all dressed up and the kids quietly sat through mass, save for the moment I turned around and Luke (he is going to kill me for telling this someday) was sprawled out on the pew with his hands in his pants which resulted in a quick trip to the potty.

We colored eggs and made Gram LaSarso's famous lemon meringue pie.

We left carrots on the porch for the Easter bunny and in the morning we found that he had chewed them up!

We hunted for 16 Easter eggs hidden around Grandma's house.

We ate a savory meal, discussing small town gossip and the like.

We blew bubbles on Grandma's porch and watched the red-breasted robins dart about the yard and stood in awe as the house across the street had dirt dumped on their front lawn. Seriously. Luke was in heaven. It's the little things after all.

I tried to explain why we celebrate Easter and got as far as, "Jesus rose from the..." and decided we have a few more years before we need to venture there.

It was renewing and sweet to meld the old traditions of my childhood with the ones we are creating for our children, dump trucks and all.

Winter's thaw

The last few weeks we have had sick kids...

There was strep throat that rendered Luke unable to get out of bed for two days, resulting in a fever of 103.9 and a trip to the Urgent Care Clinic.

Ellie was blessed with yet another double ear infection.

Last week we had her first visit with the allergist and she was tested with a skin prick test all over her tiny back which resulted in her being allergic to nothing. Which obviously was a relief but also left us with no plan really. If she continues to get ear infections or requires the nebulizer we'll have to get an immunoglobulin blood test and then move on from there. Hopefully it was just a result of a long harsh winter.

Thankfully as of right now we're happy and healthy and on a random note, we're obsessed with this book. It makes John and I tear up every time we read it. I was not prepared for the 9/11 topic but it's beautifully done.

Here's to good days ahead!

You can take all the tea in China

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail right around the seven oceans
Drop it straight into the deep blue sea
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

I heard the doctor say, "Who wants to bet how much she weighs?" And in realtime Ellie looked me in the eye and said, "good job mom, good job."

You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see

John slipped his arms around me and I remembered how a few days ago I wanted (for a brief moment) to run away from all of this. I heard Luke tell me, "I wish every day was a family day mom."

Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry

I saw my parents renewing their vows at their surprise 30th wedding anniversary party.

She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

I remembered our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. John surprised me by getting the keys to our new house almost 2 months before we actually closed on it and we had our first meal sitting on lawn chairs in our future living room and drinking champagne, talking about how one day we'd have a toddler walking about the house.

You can't stop us on the road to freedom
You can't stop us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor intent on chivalry
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
She's an angel of the first degree
She's as sweet as tupelo honey
Just like honey from the bee

The tears flooded my cheeks and covered the shoulder of John's shirt as Luke kissed my legs and Ellie danced to the musings of Van Morrison, she declared, "be happy!"

I am so happy, so blessed, and so loved.

You know she's alright
You know she's alright with me
She's alright, she's alright (she's an angel)

You can take all the tea in china
Put it in a big brown bag for me
Sail it right around the seven oceans

Crying it out

Warning: annoying venty post about the realities of screaming 2 year olds.
The car ride to work this morning was ripe with screams of two year old terror. Lots of it. Luke tried to help ease Ellie's frustration as best he could and nothing I did was anything she wanted. She wanted her dad and he was driving. She screamed and I yelled. I opened the window to try to muffle her and hoped the fresh air would bring her back to reality. It didn't work. The screaming was carried over from the night before and I had really reached my breaking point. The more she screamed the more I yelled and vice versa. Luke just looked at us both with eyes as wide as saucers in confusion as to what was unfolding before him. I told John to drop me off at the coffee shop rather than work, I needed to collect myself with a good cup of joe before my day really began. I looked at the kids and just said goodbye, I didn't blow them kisses or tell them I'd pick them up at the end of the day. I just slammed the door in their faces and walked away. John yelled, "I love you!" out his window and I just raised my hand in the air, barely acknowledging him.

Honestly I wanted to just run away. The previous night Luke threw up in the tub because the water wasn't warm enough. Seriously. And Ellie created this demand with John the second he got home that had both kids vying for his attention and both of them looking at me and yelling, "No mom, I want dad, not you. Go away mom." There were so many tears. Ellie went to bed without any books and cried herself to sleep, at one point she asked for her trains, and feeling guilty I brought them in to her but she threw them at me and yelled, "Get out Mom. I want Dad!" To be clear, this scenario has been happening day and night for the past week or so.

Tonight we came home to a toy riddled living room, do you know what it's like to walk into your house and be hit with nothing but visual chaos from the moment you cross the threshold? It stresses me out. I made them dinner, Luke asked that we turn the tv off so that we could talk during dinner, because he knows that I like that best. Swoon, score! He said grace as we held hands and I nearly melted, with him as my anchor. Bathtime went relatively smoothly and just as I was getting Ellie into her favorite pajamas John was home. She wanted him of course and was just done with me but we had a plan and we backed each other up. Normally he would come running in literally saying to her, "oh sweety darling, are you okay?" But tonight we put her in time out and then I wrestled her into her pjs, I felt as if I was going to break her arm she fought me tooth and nail, literally. I decided we were going for a walk. We left the house, she in only a pj top and a pull-up and me in a tshirt and sweatpants. She cried for her dad. I told her the more she cried the farther we were going to walk. Half way down the street (we were on the sidewalk obviously, just so you know) she pulled herself together and as a car came flying down the road she whimpered out, "please don't put me in street mom". Pretty melodramatic for a 2 year old, right? She said "sorry mom" through her hyperventilating tears of mass destruction and I felt a small piece of victory granted to myself and wondered why I had waited so long to take control. We walked back home, I finished dressing her and she just clung to me like a koala bear for the next 5 minutes.

I know this is normal two year old behavior. I know that we will be tested daily in some way or another as parents. I know that I am in control but there are a lot of times where I don't feel in control and feel overwhelmed with what is on my plate. I wonder, if we only had a bigger house with a play room that would solve the cluttered toy problem, or if we had two cars John would get home earlier, or if I worked part-time our weekends wouldn't be all about errands and cleaning, or if we had a mudroom all of the bags and coats and boots and shoes would have a better place to live...and maybe all of those things would help but those things aren't what make a family.

Also, we haven't had a vacation since last May and we're supposed to get 8-12 inches of snow tonight, cabin fever is at an all-time high. I am Debbie Downer in search of spring laughter.

Winter undoldrums

We started the weekend with Luke waking up Ellie from her Friday afternoon nap. Cuteness ensued.


Saturday we ventured to Target in the evening for a little fun. Luke fell asleep on the way there and Ellie wasn't far behind. It was a bit like the blind leading the blind.


On Sunday after an hour of grocery shopping I asked Luke some sort of Yes/No question as I put him in the car. His response to me was plain as day, "Mom, does a bear go potty in the woods?" Ummm, my mouth dropped open. Where did he hear this? He laughed at me and I just busted out laughing at him and then he said, "tonight is going to be a silly night Mama." Oh dear.

He was right, it was a silly night. He broke out the Wii and got into a down and dirty boxing match with John. They moved on to bowling after Luke's turtleneck wearing had him in a full body sweat. Ellie played at their feet with her dolls and B as John kept yelling to Luke to "press B" as in the button on the controller, which caused Ellie to yell at him, "I got B! I got B! I got B!"

Crazy, silly times.

Also, our real camera is on the fritz if you can't tell:)